I missed last week due to the controlled chaos of moving to another apartment, but I’m baaack!
I have talked a lot about Narcissists as of late. It is time to move on to what can be considered their opposite, Empaths. It is not a diagnosis and I have not found a lot of research based literature on empaths yet. Like many words it has its origins from Greek. It is a combination of sympathy which is derived from sunpathos, meaning “with or together” and “suffering”, and empátheia, the Greek word for passion. So a passion for being with those who suffer could be one definition. It brings to mind the original Star Trek episode called “The Empath” which addressed empathy and altruism and provoked a good deal of decision. They were ahead of their time in many ways. Now we have lots of research being done on empathy, compassion, and altruism and also The Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University.
So is empathy the ability and willingness to take on others suffering to help transform and heal them? That sounds more like compassion but I would consider empathy the cornerstone of compassion. As a child I can remember my parents, particularly my father telling me that I was too sensitive; a common experience for male children. All that did was pathologize a trait that is necessary for our survival, empathy. A question I find myself asking is when it is that empathy, kindness, and compassion became a liability? It should be considered a strength for without it we cannot understand each other. I remember reading about the Nuremberg Trials and Captain G. M. Gilbert, the Army psychologist assigned to watching the defendants at the Nuremberg trails being tried for war crimes. He stated “In my work with the defendants (at the Nuremberg Trails 1945-1949) I was searching for the nature of evil and I now think I have come close to defining it. A lack of empathy. It’s the one characteristic that connects all the defendants, a genuine incapacity to feel with their fellow men. Evil, I think, is the absence of empathy.” http://realneo.us/content/evil-i-think-absence-empathy%E2%80%9D-captain-g-m-gilbert-army-psychologist-nuremberg-trails.
Empaths are people who are able to connect deeply with another person’s emotions. There is tremendous healing potential in this. The depth of their understanding is what separates them from non-empaths. Some of us understand what others are going through on an intellectual level. We tend to try and “fix it” for the other person. This can occur for a couple of reasons. In my upbringing tolerance of emotions was not particularly high. We learned to distract ourselves by “doing something”. When someone else was distressed we helped them the way we had been taught ourselves. You were prohibited to feel too much. A good example is that awkward time, around 4 or 5, when we always seem to fall and skin our knees. Now remember our gender identity is established by the time we are 3 years of age. So we fall, see the blood, feel the pain, and tearfully look for a parent for comfort. Depending on our sex parents will handle us differently. With Dad it was: “Well that’s only a scratch. When I was your age my foot got caught in the baler and was cut off. Grandpa used some bailing twine and duct tape and put it back on and we finished baling. He sewed it up that night after giving me some whiskey.” Another option would be to hug the child, tend to the wound, and maybe send him back out to play. This teaches empathy for oneself and self-care instead of shame around perceived weakness. An empath is present for us totally: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. You will never forget the depth of their presence. For whatever reasons they were made to be healers.
I was looking around for some sites that describe empaths. Most are not scientific and I am loathe to use the “Ouija Board Approach”. I am not a white light, spirit of the Sun Goddess, Swami type, not that there is anything wrong with that, but I am committed to supporting a world that protects our human rights. Empathy and compassion are key to this. So here is a site to get you started thinking about it: https://www.learnreligions.com/traits-of-empaths-1724671. From there you can move onto Matthieu Ricard. His book, “Altruism” is a great read and the bibliography will provide you with many other books to read. Pair this with a Mindfulness practice that includes Metta Meditation and assertion and you will be on your way to a more compassionate life. Next time we will talk about being a “Compassionate Bad Ass.”