The Challenge of Civility
John van Bladel
“Don’t call me a Saint, I don’t want to be dismissed that easily.” -Dorothy Day
I have had several years now to reflect on the topic of civility; what it means and how to apply it effectively. I have come to the realization that it is a surprisingly difficult concept to explain and even more difficult to practice. The difficultly with practice I understand. We live in a society where incivility is often rewarded even when it violates the rights of others. Accessing the news or social media quickly puts us into contact with “uncivil” solutions for the many issues we face as a civilization. We have embraced many of these “solutions” for millennia and sometimes rush to them quickly, often exerting whatever emotional, political, economic, or other forms of aggressive force we deem necessary to impose our will on others. In some circumstances this is called bullying. In others it is often justified as “just the way things are.”
Civility, as defined by P.M. Forni, is really a secular interpretation of the “Golden Rule.” Virtually all humans worldwide have been instructed in it. It is the foundation of most religions. In essence it is an agreement advising how we should treat each other and offering us some common ground in which to start. Parallel to this is the growing global dialogue on human rights. The U.N. Declaration of Human Rights, a set of basic expectations about standards for all people, is essentially an expanded version of the “Golden Rule.” The world is starting to pay greater attention to this. It begins with the ability to listen to each other with compassion.
So why is the concept so hard to grasp? Here is one issue I have come across. I often ask people to explain the “Golden Rule.” Half respond with “do unto others as they do unto you.” I prefer “treat others the way you would like to be treated.” There is a not so subtle difference here. The first interpretation is reactive and makes our behavior contingent on the actions of another party. The second is proactive, we set the tone for our interaction out of our intrinsic motivation. When we feel offended or slighted our reactions are going to be drastically different based on our interpretation of the “Golden Rule.” With some empathy, courage, assertive skill, and practice we can change the quality of our interactions.
Another key issue is that practicing Civility is a challenge. When we do not meet our own expectations we often judge ourselves harshly and discontinue our efforts. As an exercise, take a look at the Building Peace Initiative Compassionate Communication Guidelines. Pick one of the suggestions and try applying it for a day, week, or longer, and you may find it very challenging. As an example, “listen without judgment.” We tend to give up because we think we have to be perfect. We don’t have to be perfect, we just have to make the effort. Some days we will be more successful than others. Create a compassionate no judgment zone for yourself and get started. Find a friend, or several, to partner with and support each other’s efforts. Small changes lead to bigger ones – you have a whole lifetime to practice. You don’t have to be a Saint to have some success.