Civility Wars
John van Bladel
“Every action done in company ought to be with some sign of respect to those that are present.”
-George Washington: “Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior”
Too little Civility? Too much Civility? Civility has received media attention as political discourse becomes increasingly nasty. The recent incident at the “Red Hen Restaurant”, where Sarah Huckabee Sanders was refused service, received considerable attention. In this case refusing service does not appear to be illegal. It was done due to her political views and not based on race or gender. But was it civil behavior by the owner? Rather than arguing about the incident consider what Civility actually is to you. We likely have different definitions.
Civility is communicating in a manner that respects other’s voices. Listening in a way so people feel heard and understood; then responding in a manner that allows your perspectives to be heard. It is about creating the intellectual, emotional, and of course physical safety so people can offer their thoughts, evaluate the information presented, and discuss it. Now what could possibly go wrong with this? I’ll provide a potential scenario. Be aware of how you feel when reading this as strong emotions, activated by deeply held beliefs, intensify responses.
Ready… “I’m absolutely opposed to torture. It “lowers the bar” for human rights in the U.S. and globally. As leaders of the free world we cannot remove any individual’s rights. It’s not who we are as Americans.” I start supporting my statement with “facts” and you respond: “You are such a Snowflake”, a derogatory term with a long history in this case implying weakness, suggesting I will just melt away. I’ve been insulted in front of others! How do I respond? I recall exchanges at age 14 after pick-up basketball games, “ranking” on each other, exchanging insults until a victor emerged. I’m tempted to say something like: “Coming from a “Marshmallow”, meaning soft intellectually and full of hot air, “you shouldn’t talk”, escalating the insult battle.
A more productive response would be asking what a “Snowflake” is hopefully beginning a discussion, not to win, but to begin to develop dialogue, find common ground, and agree to disagree. It seems counter-intuitive but presenting people with accurate information that contradicts their beliefs does not change them, but increases resistance to new information. If you want to create a barrier “inflict” your “superior” knowledge about a topic on them. You may earn a label, stereotypes will take over, and listening will cease.
In the classroom, boardroom or publicly Civility can be the foundation for creative, energetic forums addressing many concerns but challenges exist. Listening with empathy can be misperceived as weakness and attempts at bullying may follow. Informed, confident, respectful assertion, not labels or one-liners that diminish others, can affirm your equal right to have a voice and time to express it. Disagreements can include intense discussions without disrespectful or vindictive behavior. In addition to nonviolent speech Civility may sometimes include nonviolent action such as strikes, boycotts, and marches as utilized during the Civil Rights Movement to communicate the need for equality and change. Other questions arise. Does Civility enforce the status quo? Is it a way of silencing opposing voices? Do we demand Civility only when it benefits us? Civility is not a passive practice and comes in many forms. We still have much to learn about practicing it with integrity.